Who controls your life? and why do you let them?
"The fear of not being good enough for someone else is what makes us try to change, what makes us create an image." - Don Miguel Ruiz
¡Buenos días, baddie! ¿Cómo estás?
I hope you’ve been thriving and enjoying the beautiful last few weeks of summer.
Today, my cafecito is made with Bustelo instant coffee, which should give you insight into how I’m doing, haha!
If I had to describe my life lately, I would say I feel like I’m standing 4ft into the ocean shore, being tossed and mangled by an incoming wave.
But here’s what brings me comfort:
I know that once the wave is done washing over me, I will revel in the stillness and quiet that follows, and
No matter how violent the turbulence is at this time, I know I’ll feel refreshed and renewed when I emerge from these waters.
Either way, as I’m wrangling this wave, I’m realizing it takes a sweet balance of surrender and control to navigate through, and it’s in moments like these where I turn to the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
I love this verse because it gives me permission to surrender when I need to, and it also reminds me that I have more control over my life than I often give myself credit for.
It also makes me reflect a lot on power:
How much of it do we have over our lives?
How much of it do we give away to others? and
Why?
These questions didn’t even begin to tug at me until I saw how much power other people hold over my greatest mirror:
my mother.
Two days after her birthday, my mother and Abuela had an ugly disagreement. Mami hung up the phone feeling defeated, her self-worth shattered as she broke down in tears.
Once again, I saw the pattern repeat: the person Mami seeks validation from the most continuously refuses to give it to her.
And honestly, for a certain portion of my life, both Mami and Abuela held this sort of power over me.
I wanted so badly to fit into their image of perfection that I shamed and hid parts of myself that didn’t align with their personal and cultural values.
I’ve been called a malcriada more times in my life than I can count.
*Malcriada, meaning “improperly raised,” which I always thought was an ironic insult.
And today, though I’ve shed the hold of their opinions on me and shifted to living life on my own terms, their words, judgments, and even their pride still have a subtle power over me.
There are things I still do simply because I know it brings them happiness and peace.
But why?
Why do they continue to have that power over me? and Why does my Abuela continue to have that power over my mother, too?
Funny enough, I found my answer at the gym.
My gym makes it a practice to assign each of us a book to read, and I was given Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, who is also the author of The Four Agreements, if you are familiar.
Don Miguel emphasizes that our truest Self exists while we are toddlers, and we sacrifice parts of our truest Self as we grow and come into conversation with the world, its standards, and expectations.
We eventually learn that there is an image of perfection to strive towards, whether it’s what our parents, community, or society tells us is perfect, and there are consequences to not rising to this standard.
Where the tension lies is this:
the moment our truest Self and our quest for perfection come into conflict, we start to feel like maybe we shouldn’t do that thing we enjoy because it doesn’t fit the image of perfection that has been prescribed to us.
And we learn to feel shame.
Now, if you’re self-aware and badass enough, you’ll realize the standards of perfection we’ve learned through rules and laws are made up.
Someone, somewhere, at some point made all this shit up. Just like 55 men showed up somewhere in Philly in the 1700s and just made up the Constitution.
Like, who told them they could do that? Haha.
And yet look at us, centuries later, still abiding by it.
My point is,
knowing how arbitrary perfection is in our world, you can begin to discern whether the values and standards you grew up with are the values and standards you genuinely align with and still want to live by.
If you’re good at this discernment game, getting in touch with your truest Self—or more popularly referred to as “your inner child”— is the first step in removing any shame you’ve associated with being authentically yourself, especially when you don’t fit into the mold of perfection you grew up with.
Pero,
if that mold has a strong hold on you, then it’s likely you still carry much of that shame.
Internally, you beat yourself up because of it.
And outwardly, you’re more willing to let other people beat you up because of it, too.
Don Miguel says:
“If you have an abusive relationship, it is because you accept that abuse
because you believe you deserve it…
The limit of your self-abuse is the limit you will tolerate from other people. If someone abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you walk away, you run, you escape.
But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, perhaps you stay longer…
that is the way [you] punish [yourself].”
There are people who get well into their adulthood, like Mami, still carrying that shame and punishment, and allowing it to overshadow their truest Self expression + the ability to live life fully.
After their call, Mami swore to distance herself from her mother. She cried, made herself three cafecitos, and drank them all, staring into deep nothingness.
When she finally spoke, she said she was sick of being treated like the black sheep. She wouldn’t allow it anymore. She was done.
Finally done.
Would you believe that?
I did, and I was so proud of her.
I thought my mom was finally ready to put her foot down and step out from under Abuela’s cloud of judgment…
but I was wrong.
They are back where they started.
And even though I wish Mami had the cojones to take her power back, I have to be grateful that at least I do.
Even as I’m standing
4ft into the ocean shore
being tossed and mangled
by a roaring wave,
here’s what also brings me comfort:
I feel confident in learning to free myself of shame and self-abuse so I can live in my truest Self expression, and
I feel confident in learning to reclaim my power from people whose opinions and judgments (whether good or bad) I’ve let control me.
I don’t want to fit in anyone’s mold (a lot of people would say I already do a good job at that, haha!), and I don’t want to be anyone else’s definition of perfect but my own.
It’s hard, though, baddie.
Because the people who hold the most power over us are often people we love (down!) and whose approval and happiness could mean the world to us. Also, to an extent, their standards of perfection have made us better people.
But it’s important to realize when it’s coming at a cost.
Whether it’s affecting your mental health, causing you to live in fear or on eggshells, or limiting your truest Self expression, it’s worth analyzing how much power you’re giving other people over your life.
My only wish as you go into the week is that you try and answer me this:
Who controls you?
Why do you let them? and
Is their power over you harming more than it’s helping?
From there, we can start doing the work to get free.
Pa’lante.
Con cariño y mucho mucho mucho amor,
Coral
P.S. You can officially pull me for a chat!
If something in this love letter made you reflect or you just want to talk to a baddie, let’s do it! I’m opening up 30-minute virtual cafecitos just for you all.
Use the link below to find a date that works for you. 👇🏽